Time to call out some false teachings. The biblical model for marriage, family and community is about individuals drawing closer to God, working in unity with one another, and loving one another. God is the one that gives our mission, calling, purpose, and gifts. All of the community reports to God. All of the community is involved in reciprocal serving, gifting, and providing for others.
"By this, everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another" John 13:35
"You [all believers] are the light of the world." Matthew 5:14
Men and Women both need to approach God individually, and this brings them closer to each other. It is difficult to be equal when one's freedoms and choices are limited by someone else. In another post, I provide biblical references showing women and men are equals.
All individuals as priests:
"Let yourselves be used in building the spiritual temple, where you will serve as holy priests to offer spiritual and acceptable sacrifices to God through Jesus Christ" 1 Peter 2:5
All believers, regardless of gender:
"So then, since we have a great High Priest who has entered heaven, Jesus... Let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God." Hebrews 4:14-16
This article shows several models for family and community and the biblical rationale for each. Specifically, it contrasts Complementarian and Egalitarian views of marriage. Let us stop human labels to limit a person's activities.
Complementarian | Egalitarian |
Men and women have equal value but God designed each gender for certain functions. Men have leadership and authority while women have submissive and subservient roles. | Men and women have equal value and must use their God-given gifts to build up the body of believers, to speak, teach, or lead as they are gifted and individually called. |
God designed that men be unlimited in their roles and that women be limited to certain roles at home, church, and society. Men have dominion over the world and women support men and bear children. | God designed that all people have the freedom to do the functions they are gifted to do. God told the first man and women to be co-rulers with dominion over the world and blessed them to procreate together. |
Since the leader can make unilateral choices and have a tie-breaking vote over-ruling a woman, the choices of the submissive woman are limited, and the power structure is unequal | No one can make unilateral choices or overrule another person; believers need to pray to God to ascertain any decision. The power structure is egalitarian. |
The husband is the head of the family and the man is the head of the church; women report to men. | God is the head of the family and Christ is the head of the church, the foundation and fulfillment of the church. |
Jesus himself provided a model of serving one another when he washed the disciples' feet at the Last Supper. Each follower of Jesus needs to model Jesus in serving one another. Jesus showed that love is more important than laws. Jesus provides the example of sacrificial love and servant leadership for both partners to follow (John 13:14-17). Jesus washed the feet of men and women disciples. I write about women at the Last Supper here.
Men and Women are equal heirs to God's realm, and both are called priests who can come boldly to God, and who can show others the goodness of God. I write more about Peter's view of marriage here.
All genders are made in the image of God, and because God is a Spirit, God transcends gender and contains both male and female characteristics. I write more about God's gender here.
The egg is not a good description of the Holy Trinity because each person of the Trinity is not a part of God; each person of the Trinity is a full being. The egg can describe a human, made in God's image and composed of both male and female characteristics. When the Bible says God made humans in the image of God, male and female, it means that each human reflects the full image of God. An individual is not a partial reflection of God. Marriage is not required to reflect the full image of God.
Paul says that in Christ, there is no wall dividing people groups (Galatians 3:28, Ephesians 2:14-16, Colossians 3:11, Romans 10:12). Male and female are different, but there is no difference in their rights or freedoms.
Men and Women are both told to be gentle, kind, loving, and nurturing (Galatians 5:22-26). Men and women are both told to be courageous and strong, firm in faith and in love (1 Corinthians 16:13-14). Men and women are to be bold in God's power, love and self-control (2 Timothy 1:7). God calls all believers to use their talents and gifts, whether it is teaching or speaking (Romans 12:6-8).
"As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord" (Joshua 24:15). This does not mean that Joshua was deciding for his wife; he is proclaiming that he and his wife both agreed that the Lord would be the Lord of their household.
When God is the ruler of our hearts, he is the leader of our marriage, church, and community. God commanded Christians to be his image, to represent God to the world, to be caretakers of the earth, to serve, give, and provide for one another. By loving one another we show that we belong to Jesus.
God is the head of each believer and the head of our marriage and families. Jesus is the sole mediator between God and humans. As we draw nearer to God, we can draw nearer to our spouse. Paul tells all believers to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). Paul points to the submissive wives of the Greco-Roman norms to show husbands how to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:22). Paul uses the unity of the husband and wife to show the unity of Christ and the church. Paul never says to follow the pagan model of marriage. In fact, Paul flattens the hierarchal marriage for those who are in Christ. Husbands are to love and serve their wives as Christ loves and serves the church (Ephesians 5:25). I write more about Ephesians here.
I explore how the church may have misunderstood Paul's writings here.
Family reflects God's love, leading with wisdom, not authoritarianism, love, not laws.
Both fathers and mothers are to direct the children (Proverbs 22:6). While women came from man (Eve from Adam), man is born of women (as babies), yet everything (regardless of gender) comes from God. (1 Corinthians 11:12). We are one body with parts of equal value (1 Corinthians 12:12-26).
Children are to listen to both mothers and fathers (Ephesians 6:1-4). Christ is the head of the church; men are not (Ephesians 4:15). Submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21) is Paul telling those with authority in the Greco-Roman culture that in Christ it is different; all believers submit the way wives in the Roman culture submit. Jesus broke the dividing walls, making us one body (Ephesians 2:14-15).
There is one mediator between God and humans: Jesus, not husbands (1 Timothy 2:5). In Christ, there is neither male nor female (Galatians 3:28). No one is elevated by gender.
Christ is the head of the church, being the source or beginning of the church, just as a spring of water is the head or source of a river. I explore many biblical references to head and cornerstone here.
Harmful Teachings
Husband as sole provider (not)
Men and Women are both commanded to provide for their families. There were many wealthy widows in first-century Rome and many female heads of households. Paul says that the church does not need to support them. He warns wealthy widows against living for pleasure.
Paul speaks to both women and men when he says "Anyone who does not provide for their relatives, especially for their own household, has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever" (1 Timothy 5:8).
Telling a husband he must provide for his family puts undue pressure on the husband while limiting the contributions of the wife. In some cases, it puts the wife in an untenable position of not knowing the financial situation of the household. Placing a husband as sole provider contributes to a power imbalance with finances controlled by the husband. It has also contributed to unequal pay, with the rationale that a man needs higher compensation for the same job because he is providing for a family.
Husband as protector, purifier (not)
Christ protects and purifies all believers. The teachings that husbands save or sanctify their wives or shelter and protect their wives are not biblical. God is our saviour, sanctifier, shelter and protector. Seeing a husband in the role of God is idolatry.
The harmful illustration of several umbrellas showing a husband's control over his wife and children came from Bill Gothard, who taught that the husband was the protector and authority. This unbiblical teaching suggests Christ's protection is not sufficient for the wife; that the husband replaces Christ as her protector. The teaching enables a power imbalance in marriage that has led to abuse. That's right, Christians who believe in a male power hierarchy have levels of intimate partner violence similar to non-believing patriarchal marriages.
Male Patriarchy is God's original, perfect design (not)
Complementarians have supposed that male leadership is part of God's original design. This is in direct contrast to centuries of Christian orthodoxy. The historic church supported male leadership as a result of The Fall in Genesis 3. It taught that male hierarchy is the fruit of sin and that gender equality would be restored when Christ returned. Female impurity was one of the contributing factors to the requirement that Roman Catholics remain celibate.
Portraying Jesus submitting to the Father as a one-way hierarchy opposes the historical truth of Christian orthodoxy.
Christ as subordinate to God (not)
The idea of Christ being subordinate to God denies the deity of Jesus, removing the Son as an equal part of the Holy Trinity. However, Complementarians have raised this heresy to support their position that it is a model for a wife being subordinate to her husband. Wayne Grudem bases subordinating women to men using his view of the Trinity as a hierarchy. The teaching that marriage follows the example of a hierarchal Holy Trinity is false.
This idea of a subordinate Christ is a resurgence of the 4th-century Arian idea that the Father had primacy or authority over the Son. The Council of Nicaea discredited the idea in AD 325. For centuries, the accepted Christian teaching is that the Trinity is one God made of three equal persons. The Bible shows Jesus is in the Father and the Father is in Jesus (John 14:11). Seeing Jesus as less than God is unbiblical. Each person of the Trinity is fully divine, with equal freedom and authority. Likewise, men and women are each fully human, with equal freedom and authority. I discuss the historical view of the Holy Trinity as three equal persons here. The Trinity provides a model of equality, with each individual of the Trinity being equal, using their unique gifts. Jesus did not come as an authority demanding obedience, but as a servant and model of sacrificial love. It is not as an authoritarian power structure that we attract others to God, but as a circle of equals.
I hope these images and biblical excerpts demonstrate the true biblical model for marriage, family, and community.
Elaine Ricker Kelly Author is empowering women with historical fiction about women in the Bible and early church and Christian blogs about women in leadership, church history and doctrine. Her books include:
Forgotten Followers from Broken to Bold, Book 1
The Sword A Fun Way to Engage in Healthy Debate on What the Bible Says About a Woman's Role
Because She Was Called: from Broken to Bold, Book 2, A Novel of the Early Church, imagines Mary Magdalene's trip to testify before the emperor
Walk with Mara on Her Healing Journey: 21 Steps to Emotional Resilience
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