In thinking about the meaning of 'love one another', I realized it is reciprocal: a two-sided coin.
Love is about serving and putting the other person’s concerns first.
Love also means the other person serving you first.
Loving one another and serving one another is mutual. It is the opposite of domineering, commanding, giving orders, or being authoritarian or patriarchal. The very call for us to love one another is a call for the equality of women and men.
The World vs God's Kingdom
People are tempted to lord it over one another, to place themselves in positions of privilege and authority while placing others in subordinate or submissive positions.
But that's not the way it is in God's kingdom. Jesus compares himself to the rulers of the world, who exercise power and authority over others. He says this is not the way for his followers to behave. He calls each of us to serve others, for even Jesus did not come to be served, but to serve and give his life for others (Mark 10:42-45).
After Jesus humbled himself by washing his disciple's feet, he explained the meaning behind his actions. “Do you understand what I have just done for you?.....I have set an example for you so that you will do just what I have done for you.” (John 13:12-17). Jesus was setting an example to show his followers to love one another by humbly serving one another.
At the last supper with his disciples, Jesus said “I give you a new commandment: love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. If you have love for one another, then everyone will know that you are my disciples.” (John 13:24-35) We are commanded to love one another in John 15:12 and John 15:17. If we do not have love, we are not following Jesus, and our actions reflect badly on Christ. Lording over one another, using authority to make up rules, giving orders and commanding obedience is the opposite of loving one another.
Jesus said to love one another as he loved us. How did Jesus love? He served by washing the disciples' feet, and by going to the cross. He led by teaching, gathering followers, and founding the church. Loving like Jesus means sometimes we lead; sometimes we serve. Everyone does both. Roles are not defined by gender. Loving like Jesus means both serving and leading.
Love is Neither Dominating nor Being Dominated
Love is serving one another, putting the interests of others above your own, and doing things for others even if it's inconvenient or costly or there's nothing in it for you. This kind of generous love is cannot be shared with people will take advantage of your good nature or abuse you. It is best practiced in a community where all people love one another. That's why the command to "love one another" was given to followers of Jesus. Maybe the command to "love your enemy" involves a different kind of love.
Dominating is putting your interests and desires first. It is giving orders, commanding obedience, and exercising control over others. Jesus did not do this. Jesus asked us to follow and gave us the choice. It's one way Jesus showed his love for us.
Love is not bullying others. It is kindness, respect, listening, hearing, believing, helping, serving, deferring to the needs of others, showing compassion, and taking care of others.
Love is also not bullying yourself. It is expressing your needs, taking care of yourself, seeking help, learning self-care practices, avoiding harm, and setting boundaries to protect your well-being.
Love is Mutually Shared Among Equals
Love is voluntary, reciprocal, and mutually respectful. When in a safe, trusting community like the one Jesus envisioned, you can become vulnerable without fear of judgement. You can serve without fear of being used. You can speak and not be ignored.
When you're in a loving community, you both give and receive love.
It was never about giving until you are spent or used up.
Joy comes from love being given and received freely and voluntarily, not from a duty or obligation.
Love is impossible when you are controlling and demanding.
Love is impossible when you are controlled and lack the freedom to choose to love.
Love is reciprocal, based on mutual respect and sharing.
The term "Love One Another" is a call for equality.
Sometimes you love; sometimes you are loved.
Sometimes you serve; sometimes you are served.
Sometimes you lead; sometimes you follow.
Sometimes your needs come first; sometimes you yield to the needs of another.
In fact, the phrase “one another” means serving each other mutually. It means men and women giving and taking helping one another reciprocally. It goes completely against an authoritarian structure where one group or individual is consistently in the service role and the reciprocal partner is never in that role. The golden rule is to do to others as you would have them do to you (Matthew 7:12) means treating others with the same care you would give to your own body, being respectful of women and men, of any race, religion or sexual orientation: loving them.
The phrase 'one another' occurs 100 times in the New Testament, including things like:
Accept one another (Romans 15:7)
Tolerate one another (Ephesians 4:2)
Be kind, tender-hearted and forgiving to one another (Ephesians 4:32)
Forgive one another (Colossians 3:13)
Be devoted to one another in love
Serve one another
Pray for one another
Teach and admonish one another (Colossians 3:16)
These instructions are given to all believers, regardless of gender.
Given these examples of how to love one another, it would seem that the biblical call to love one another encourages equality among believers of all genders and excludes patriarchal domination.
What About Female Submission?
Paul tells all believers to submit to one another without reference to gender: women to men men to women, women to women and men to men (Ephesians 5:21). In fact, it appears that Paul is holding up the submission of Roman-era wives as an example for male Christians to follow to learn how to submit to one another.
Voluntarily submitting or yielding to one another is a form of loving one another. Love shows itself in honouring the other person. Paul tells a husband to love, he is telling them to honour the needs and desires of his wife (Ephesians 5:25-33). It is the mirror image of the way a wife honours or yields to her husband.
He continues, saying a husband should love his wife, as a man loving his own body: washing her, feeding her, taking care of her as well as he takes care of himself, loving her as he loves himself. This relates to the golden rule: think about how would you want to be treated and treat your spouse that way.
Do you want to ask questions, describe your experiences, share your feelings, discuss your thoughts, and make your own choices? Do you enjoy having freedom? Advocates for equality are simply asking for equal opportunities regardless of gender.
Do you want to know more about what Paul means when he tells a husband to love his wife? He lays it out for us:
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres..... And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7... 13 NIV)
Elaine Ricker Kelly Author is empowering women with historical fiction about women in the Bible and early church and Christian blogs about women in leadership, church history and doctrine. Her books include:
Forgotten Followers from Broken to Bold, Book 1 (2022)
The Sword A Fun Way to Engage in Healthy Debate on What the Bible Says About a Woman's Role (2023)
Because She Was Called: from Broken to Bold, Book 2, A Novel of the Early Church, imagines Mary Magdalene's trip to testify before the emperor (2024)
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